I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
