i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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