Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
