as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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