i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
