K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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