as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
