LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
