dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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