I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
