I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
