just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
