when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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