he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
