Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
