I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
