And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
