I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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