I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
