i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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