I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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