My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize