What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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