Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
