On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
