I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
