true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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