everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
