if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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