He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
