I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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