Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
