I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
