woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
