I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
FIrst one done
How did it go?
I dunno I taled about women being treated wrong and quoted Ice T. So probably a "c"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
