just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
