3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize