i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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