there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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