My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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