I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
