PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
