shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
