so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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