so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
