im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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