One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
