I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
