I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
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