you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
