Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
