Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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