She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize