Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
