i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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