I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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