You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
