thus making me awesome and them whores
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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