I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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