The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The Olympian is in my bed
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
