i think my tv is drunk
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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