Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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