I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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