Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
