I wish I could teleport
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
