If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
